You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
