no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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