Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
