no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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