when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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