You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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