Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize