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Your mouth is God's brothel.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
