I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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