I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
