I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
