chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
