I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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