It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
