Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
