just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He felt like a one man threesome
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
