If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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