I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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