One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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