Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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