if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I fill condoms, not promises.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When are your genitals available?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
