The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
