1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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