I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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