Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
