exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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