hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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