I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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