I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize