Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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