I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
