Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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