need another drink. this is the easiest way
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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