I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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