textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
