Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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