the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
