I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize