my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
