My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
