I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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