you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
