You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
