you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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