Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
