We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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