I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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