I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
