I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
