would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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