this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm too high and old for this...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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