At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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