the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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