You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
