I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
