I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize