this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
