mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
