Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
