I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
