maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
