Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
