I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
